Neanderthal Illustrator Goes “Extinct”?

Posted by Chris Parker
Sep 24 2008

Cecil Dallas: Good morning, Mr. E.W. Jones, I’m Cecil Dallas from KCOO Breaking News. When News Breaks, We Fix It!

Mr. E. W. Jones: Good morning. You’re half an hour late. As you can see, I’m in the middle of something right now.

Cecil Dallas: My apologies. I had a Live standup remote in front of the River City bank branch that was robbed two weeks ago. Had to coordinate with Live Copter 3.

Now, you’re known as the Father of “Neanderthal Man”, isn’t that right, Mr. Jones.

Mr. E. W. Jones: I have been called that, which is ironic because I never had any children of my own. Neanderthal is kind of my “baby” so to speak. Of course, my contribution has primarily been to picture Neanderthal for science and the general public. It’s my illustrations of him that have really set the tone, I suppose; strong, inhuman, humanish, hairy, primitive with an air of; I just might evolve into something important!

Cecil Dallas: How about the Neanderthal woman? What’s her signature look?

Mr. E. W. Jones: Smaller mustaches.

Cecil Dallas: I wasn’t aware that you use live models?

Mr. E. W. Jones: Not all the time, no. But having a live model helps me get things like musculature and facial expressions correct. You’d be surprised how that humanizes, no pun intended, my Neanderthal drawings and paintings, like this one here.

This gentleman for instance, really helps me get the Neanderthal scowl down in a realistic manner. And I’m very proud of my little, primitive touches that really convey “cave man”. Like the unibrow. And of course, copious body hair. I give them a slightly aware but confused expression which says; “why are you looking at me for”?

Cute story on the body hair; that idea came from a very hirsute gentleman who waited on me at a local restaurant when I was working on my first drawing! Parted his arm hair on the side. True story!

Cecil Dallas: How’d you come to be the preeminent Neanderthal illustrator/painter in the world, Mr. Jones. Did you have a special background for it?

Mr. E. W. Jones: I’m no one trick pony. I’m also known for my drawings of Cro Magnon, as well.. You know, he said wistfully, I came by this work honestly. My father and grandfathers were caveman illustrators for a time until tragedy struck, for both of them. My grandfather drew the most noteworthy and widely distributed version of “Nebraska Man” which took off like wildfire for a time and made his career. Then they found out that it was a pig’s tooth!

Then with my father, it was Piltdown man. Need I say more?

Cecil Dallas: Please do! So despite these tragedies, you followed your father and grandfather into the business?

Mr. E. W. Jones:. Well, I’ve always been interested in art and in science. Early on, I was doing drawings and paintings primarily of prehistoric insects like the spider and prehistoric ants and the like. I drew them for science magazines and newspapers; you know whenever someone found some new ones in amber etc. I got to know all the parties that way.

Cecil Dallas: Interesting! What do primitive spiders and ants look like?

Mr. E. W. Jones: Oh, well, first, picture in your mind a spider or an ant that you would see today.

Cecil Dallas: O.K. Then what?

Mr. E. W. Jones: Then nothing. That’s what they looked like.

Cecil Dallas: Oh!, Well, the reason we are here to today is that we understand that the preeminent Neanderthal illustrator in the world is retiring, is that true?

We’re Live!

Studio Model: Look, you two. I need to get back to my books. Those who waste my time are either ignorant, or dare I say it; wicked!

Mr. E. W. Jones: I’m not leaving Neanderthal, he’s leaving me! The Neanderthal man that I created, that has been the standard for so many years in science; the primitive, hulking caveman is going the way of the dinosaur. He has become extinct.

Cecil Dallas: Cecil Dallas, Breaking News, here Live! with caveman illustrator, E.W. Jones. You say that Neanderthal has become extinct? I thought he already was extinct.

Mr. E. W. Jones: Not him, my drawings! It’s all been really too much. In the last few years scientific discoveries have made him seem more and more like you and me. My illustrations of the more primitive Neanderthal man are no longer in vogue. I’ve been ruined first by forensic science, then by DNA analysis and now, even by anthropologists who have previously guided my creations! If it weren’t for Nova and certain other science programs I would have retired years ago!

They walked upright. They buried their dead. They maybe had language. They interacted with modern humans. Their DNA matches human DNA to 99.99%. They made tools as good or better than “modern humans”. They played soccer! Whatever! If they were stronger, had larger brains, and could kill mammoths, how come they didn’t wipe us out, some wonder?

And now, another blow. Did you read this latest piece in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.?

Cecil Dallas: Umm, no. I haven’t read mine through, yet.

Mr. E. W. Jones: Neanderthals ate seals and dolphins! Just like their “modern man” counterparts. This means that they could keep a calendar, because that prey was seasonal, it means that they could fish, use tools, possibly language. For years, the scientists I work with had said the ability to catch large seafood staples separated modern man from the more primitive Neanderthal!

Some of these guys are perplexed because they had listed all these reasons why superior modern man eliminated Neanderthal and one by one they’ve all been knocked down. Worst of all, forensic science indicates that they looked “like us”.

Cecil Dallas: So, I take it that this here is one of your last, primitive Neanderthal type paintings?

Mr. E. W. Jones: No! Why do people keep saying that? This is one of my new, modern looking Neanderthals!

I’m getting out of this business!

Cecil Dallas: What will you do now?

Mr. E. W. Jones: I’m going to do portraits at fairs and carnivals. Also, I’m going to become a wedding photographer. Here’s my card. Of course I expect to still get the occasional commission from Nova. They are slow to make changes on some of these things, you know? Their Ancient Egyptians are still white! If wedding photography doesn’t work out I’ll try my hand at Hobbits.

Studio Model: If I don’t get up off of this chair in a very few minutes I’m going to have to evolve a thicker keister!!!!

Mr. E. W. Jones: Look Dawk! I don’t know why you’re in such a bad mood? I’m out of business here and you just signed a lucrative endorsement deal with “Selfish Jeans”.

Neanderthal Ate Seals and Dolphins

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